I don’t know anymore. Last time, I already knew he wasn’t the one. But I still acknowledge the fact that I have a crush on him. Running away won’t get me anywhere. Worse, I’ll just remember my feelings for him whenever I force myself to forget him.
We chatted again, like we used to, but not quite often, as he’s really busy. We did plan of meeting up, and hanging out, eating anywhere, nothing much. BUT. He doesn’t have an available time yet. So, instead of hoping, I decided to just cancel it for good. It was a hard decision on my part, but I have to do it or I’ll suffer from expecting nothing from him.
The following day, I decided to give him a long message, saying thanks for everything he has done for me and said “Bye” in the end. One reason why I can’t fully hate him is because he still did a lot of good things for me, and has a positive impact on me. I told him the very same thing. Yeah, I know it sounded cheesy (or creepy), but I have to tell him one way or another. Originally, I intended to tell him in person, but since I cancelled our appointment, I bereft myself that chance. So I told him via chat instead.
I knew he’s gonna reply (out of courtesy), but I don’t want to think about it anymore. And he did reply, and told me that I also have a positive impact on him too (to which I doubt, because I don’t think he understand what I meant with the “positive impact,” but nevertheless, he told the same thing to me). He also told me that he wants to share more of himself to me, but time doesn’t seem to permit it yet. I believe he says it in good faith, but I want to stop myself from hoping. Remember? I already knew he wasn’t the one.
Yet, I still have feelings for him. I acknowledge that. Be it love or obsession, I can still feel it. Before, it was “I have a crush on him and I want him to be my boyfriend.” Now, it was just “I have a crush on him.”
I don’t feel as bad now, as I used to before. I hope this continues as I hated feeling down already. Maybe it was because I already expressed my gratitude. Anyway, I still believe he won’t forget me (I’m his only fellow companion when it comes to Game of Thrones, and forgetting me is his loss).
Speaking of Game of Thrones, I’m sooooo excited for season 7!!!