I am referring to this lasting boredom. As I have mentioned in my previous posts, there are a lot of things I do, yet I don’t feel satisfied. Perhaps I have been too used to a life that is too busy that not doing anything makes me feel absurd.
I go to work, I read books, I play video games, I sleep, I write blogs and I watch YouTube videos. I do a lot of things to fill my schedule, but I still. get. bored.
When I was still a student, all I’m focusing on is my studies. I mean, I worry about my ever inexistent love life at times, but most of the time, it was just studies. After passing the board exam, I was too engrossed in my work that even if I try to look for a cute guy, or find time to travel and explore other places, I still find myself going back to thinking about work. That’s all what I’ve been busy about. How to finish my work on time? How to minimize my over time? How to reconcile the inventory account? How to budget my salary? When will I be able to get out of this place? When will I start working in my new job? And on and on and on…
Then after resigning from my former job and starting in my new job, the next problem I have is when I will get my last pay. When will I finish my reconciliation of inventory? When will I become a regular employee? Will everything be fine in my new work? And after finishing my reconciliation schedule, and getting my last pay, and having my regularization, now what?
I have nothing else to worry. Except maybe my daily worries, and some future worries, but overall, I have nothing I’m really busy about. Maybe love life? My inexistent love life?
I’ve been thinking, should I start studying again? Or should I start planning the renovation of our house? I don’t know. I want to do something, but I can’t figure out what I really want to do. My officemate told me that what I needed is a boyfriend. He said that I need not to get serious, just have one. But I don’t want to. I get goose bumps in the idea of having a fling with someone I don’t really love. It’s just not me. Although I admit, I think it’s because I really need to focus on my love life now.
I have a crush, something I keep on reiterating on my previous posts. And of course, if there’s a possibility that we can be together, that would be great, and yes, I love the idea of that. But he’s busy with his business, and I don’t want to bother him, so I decided to back off. First, because I don’t want to bother him, and second, because I want to sort my feelings, if ever I really like him that much, or I was just obsessed in the idea of him. I don’t know. Which is the reason why I think I needed meditation.
I don’t know if I should explore, or get myself busy with other things. Exploring would be a good idea, but I’m not the type of person who would date people for the sheer purpose of exploring. I try considering the guys around me, weigh the pros and cons, but I don’t go off and date them. I befriend them, yes, but I don’t date them. I’ve already crossed out some in my imaginary list, and some, I’m open to anything that comes. But of course, there’s still one guy who’s on top of my list, and it would be great if I get to date him, but let’s leave things in the future.
But seriously, I’m bored. Maybe I should start studying…