The secret behind my tears

“When do you cry?”

“When your heart wavers…”

-True Tears, 2013

Most people cry whenever they’re hurt. Well, it’s not that I’m any different. But I chose not to cry when one expects me to.

Back then, when I was still employed in my former company, there’s this newbie who keeps on crying whenever she feels pressured. Not that I’m saying that people who cry are weaklings. It’s just me being too proud to cry in front others. Anyway, going back. My manager encouraged her during those times. She even commented on how she tried to make me cry back then, but I didn’t. (Well, most people mistake me for being a weakling and thought that I easily give up or something).

When my manager mentioned that, I realized, so she’s actually trying to pressure me on purpose to make me cry! Well, sorry Ma’am Carmen, but you failed…

As I grow older, I tend to hold back my tears on purpose ‘coz I think it’s a sign of weakness. Especially when people are trying to mock me. That I really hate.

Eventually, I came to a point where crying became a hard task for me. But mind you. It’s a GREAT toll on your heart. Because whenever I hold back my tears, my heart literally aches.

How I deal with it? Well, every time I face such situations wherein people mock me and expect me to cry, I do my best to either (1) keep a poker face, or (2) smile. It depends on the situation. But if a smile is appropriate, I always resort to that.

Now what about a heartbreaking situation? Again, my best defense: smile. I don’t cry until I’m alone in the comfort of my home and cry alone. But usually, it takes hours before I’m alone so when the mood is right, I can’t cry anymore. Although there are times that I can cry, but for a few minutes only. Why? Because I tend to address the problem in a humorous manner, so I end up laughing while crying.

When do I cry?

I have this weird penchant for tear-jerker movies. I love watching them, especially short CGI films in YouTube. When I say tear-jerker, I don’t mean tragic stories, please don’t get me wrong. I refer to those inspirational 5-minute movies full of moral lessons. It makes me reflect on life as a whole, and thus makes me cry. It’s more of tears of joy rather than tears of pain.

But seriously, people, don’t take my example. If you’re hurt and you need to cry, CRY. Your heart will suffer the consequences. I refer to the organ of your body, okay?

Now that I think about it, my heart probably has a lot of lesions…

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